Control Yourself

I've been posting the opening of a book I'm working on.  Here's the next section:

Much of what I recommend as a path toward wellness involves great self-discipline and some self-sacrifice. But I realized early in my practice that if the discipline and sacrifice were too severe, my efforts would border on ascetic austerity.  That’s not necessary. 

Ground rule number three is: Exercise self-discipline but keep it gentle.

Some things make sense. Meditating at the same time every day establishes it as a healthy habit.  I get up early, before my wife and daughter, and put in a half-hour on the cushion.  Exercise is scheduled, too, with some calisthenics early in the day and a good walk later.  As for work it is important to show up every day and resist the temptation to call in sick when moods get rocky or anxiety threatens to trap me inside the house.  When working from home I need to avoid the TV and the deep rabbit hole of the social media.

My life is a bit less spontaneous than it was when mania fueled my more exuberant years, but sticking to a schedule allows for treasured moments of exciting experiences with less trouble attached.  When the schedule is broken by will and whims, I know an episode is brewing. Then I can act and keep it from disrupting my life and the responsibilities I must fulfil.

I’ve lived my life embracing libertarian, even anarchistic philosophy.  Oddly, my proclivity to Benedictine and Zen monastic practices may expose me as one secretly seeking rules.  I set out to counter a life of excess and for a while fell for the opposite extreme.  Asceticism became an overt form of expression and I overdid it.  At least I became less attached to things and was able to resist the temptation to spend while manic.

As austere practices made life more simple, my life became complicated by hyper-religiosity.  I went to mass every day.  I spent a retreat at a Zen monastery where during meditation sessions a monitor stalked the hall carrying a stick that looked like a canoe paddle.  If anyone slouched in their posture or nodded off, the monitor would whack them on the shoulder.  And I was liking this stuff!

The primary-source ancient texts about meditation that I was studying advocated a middle way, and I needed to find mine.  It landed between the excesses of brewing mania and the self-denial of deep depression. I had to stop regimenting my life so strictly, for there was no room for creative expression.  But I had to organize it and establish a sensible routine. In seeking to be gentler with myself, I thought about discipline and how my wife and I approach it with our daughter.

When a parent disciplines a child it is best an act of love; not an act to unreasonably restrict behavior or creativity, and not an act to helicopter over every possible outcome. The parent seeks to establish parameters within which the child can make their own decisions.  When emotions result in tantrums the parent uses discipline to help the child pull themselves together and return to some sense of self-control.  Discipline is necessary to help the child grow and, when the opportunity presents itself, to make good decisions.  When the child makes a poor choice, the child must encounter the natural consequences of that choice.  Given the parent’s instruction and example, combined with reasonable discipline, the child’s choices will be based on moral fairness and positive consideration.

I had to view self-discipline the same way.

Only when I stopped trying to beat the shifting moods out of myself through severe restrictions on my behavior could I avoid being grumpy, intolerant and boring.  I hold to a routine but find varied experiences within that routine.  I don’t limit my freedom without reason, and  I find freedom within limits.  I know one can color within the lines and still make some beautiful, creative art. 

Moods are a natural expression of emotions and are healthy when skillfully expressed.  If moods rage out of control or lead a person to do unreasonable things, some healthy self-discipline can restore the turbulent mind to composure.  By applying discipline and sacrifice to ever so slightly shave off the highs and the lows, by living without the most impulsive behavior, one can apply themselves to a life of consistent rewards.  And one can stay present enough to be fair to, and available for, those who care for them, and those who need care.

Down the path of reasoned self-discipline the meaning of life can be found.