I wrote in a post titled Discipline and Diagnostics that one
of the benefits of meditation to a person with a mental illness is the ability
to detect episodes early. Well, I’m in
one.
It’s been hard to sit at all, let alone for the thirty
minutes I do each day. I find myself
agitated and fidgety. My thoughts are
all over the place. This is not unusual
during meditation, but in taking note of the subjects of my thoughts, I can see
hypomania creeping in. I’m thinking of
buying stuff. I’m thinking of trading
stocks. I’m thinking of another career
change, discarding good ideas for more exciting, if undoable, ones. All of my thoughts are about getting and doing. Anything.
Right now I feel smarter, more creative, and more energetic than I
usually do. That might be dangerous, but
that’s what I’m feeling, and that’s what I encounter during meditation.
Here’s where meditation helps. I’ve picked-up these early signs of
hypomania, so I can work to avoid myself going full-blown manic. During meditation, which I now have to force
myself to do, I become calm for a time and clearly see the maelstrom I’ve
entered. I give my wife my credit
cards. I walk past the corner pub
without going inside. I implement the
two-week rule for purchases, investments, changing my LinkedIn profile, and
publicly flouting new ideas. The
two-week rule allows me to note what I want, or want to do, and set it
aside. If, two weeks later, it still
seems like a good idea, I can act on it.
Meditation sessions keep me honest.
I note if I’m breaking the rules, or planning anything big and stupid.
This is when meditation becomes a little different. In quieter moods, while focusing on the
breath I note thoughts and release them, always returning to the present
moment. But when I recognize the signs of creeping mania (or depression), I
incrementally change my relationship to my thoughts. As they arise, I pay a little more attention
to them as I note them. I investigate
what my thoughts are about. Are they
fantasies? Is there anger? Am I subconsciously planning? What thoughts keep returning? Are there consistencies, or even deep
inconsistencies? As I note repeating and
defeating thoughts, I can see how they are affecting my behavior when I’m not
meditating. Then I can make what changes
I need to make in my day, my plans, and my expectations, and avoid trouble and minimize the impulsivity.
Hypomania.
Although it can lead to very bad things, it has its benefits. As I stated, I think it does make me more
creative and energetic. By meditating,
staying present and responsible, and noting my thoughts, I can both stay focused
and harness some of that energy and creativity.
Meditation helps me hold on to the good ideas and keeps me away from
acting out the bad ones.
Anyone who’s experienced hypomania and felt the energy,
charisma, and flush of ideas it often brings, knows that if we could bottle
this stuff we’d make millions. But we
can’t bottle it. If left to ramble it
often becomes grandiosity, poor judgment, and hurtfulness. Through the focused attention of mindfulness
meditation, I can harness the positive and work to avoid the negative. This episode will pass, and I hope to leave
it with my life intact - and a few good ideas.
This is how I feel!! I feel like I'm losing my mind please tell me I'm not and shall be ok!
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