Limitations. We all have
them, but sometimes illness adds new ones that we never before had to deal
with. Accepting this fact was a
challenge.
When I was hit by one episode that left me psychotic,
suicidal, and hospitalized I was 31 and had just been promoted to VP of Sales
at the company for which I worked. An
incorrect diagnosis and my poor response to the medications prescribed, as well
as my refusal to accept mental illness and my subsequent noncompliance with my
doctors’ orders, left me reeling for years.
I fell into a string of small jobs, just to keep health insurance, and
checked into and out of psychiatric hospitals several times. The hole in my resume became so large, and my
ability to deal with stress so frail, that it became clear that I was not going
back to the executive suite, probably never.
The effect that stress had on my moods, and the moods themselves, severely
limited the amount of responsibility I could handle in any job.
While limitations engulfed my career, they also began to cut
into other aspects of my life. Even with
health insurance, treatment is very expensive.
So the money went. My marriage
ended and with it the prospects of finding a new partner. Limitations also were placed on my lifestyle. I had to stop social drinking, make sure I
got enough sleep, exercise (but not too much), and maintain a consistent
meditation practice. I had to
unfailingly follow my treatment regimen.
I had to deal with side effects of the medications I took. While some of these may not sound like
limitations at all, when ramping into hypomania, stopping to take care of
yourself and letting go of the grandiosity are very limiting indeed. And that may have been the most difficult
limitation to accept. Letting go of the
highs. Settling for a normal, fairly
predictable life.
As I accepted each limitation, and changed my life to meet that
acceptance, I got better. Debilitating episodes
became rare and eventually nonexistent.
And with that, some of the limitations fell away. I was able to take on more responsible
jobs. I met and married a wonderful
woman. I do enjoy a beer every once in a
while. But the side effects remain, and
the need to carefully manage stress still limits me personally and
professionally. I have to be very careful
about what things I undertake. But in
accepting that I have an illness I accept that I have to act differently than I
did back when I was well. Still, life
has turned out to be very rewarding.
In a way, limitations can be liberating. Boundaries enable us to define excellence and
to make positive, intelligent choices.
Limits are necessary to establish discipline. Discipline, or a practice of wellness, is
necessary to achieve health. It all
begins with accepting the present reality, releasing the past and not lamenting
how one’s life has changed, and keeping a careful eye on the future. As you accept limits, you can work well
within them and begin to redraw the lines and to take on more. In time, you will accept a good life indeed.
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